Relationships! Selflessly Selfish!

22 06 2011

As anyone can tell, I am most passionate about relationships.  Most of my posts are about relationships.  Whether it’s about friends or significant others, I love relationships.  They are soo tricky though!  Everything can be great one minute, and the next, it can be irreconcilable.  So intricate.  Let me look at the friendship part first then move on to the good stuff.

Friends at a Friends wedding...and me pimping the fedora!

I have a pretty decent group of friends.  True friends that care enough about me to inconvenience themselves.  But it’s not easy.  I’ve put a lot of time and pride swallowing moments into these relationships.  I’ve had friends who’ve slept with my Valentines date…not going to mention any names, but it’s the same butthead who also pissed in my shoe and I didn’t find out until 3 months later!  Dick!  I’ve also had friends who’ve come with me on a stake-out to see if I could catch my ex-wife cheating on me.  Not something you want to do at 7 a.m. but he did it.  But these relationships are tough.  I’ve been talking to a good friend of mine a lot lately about what it means to be a good friend and it really boils down to this.  Selflessness.  It’s really easy to be caught up in your own “stuff” but how often do you stop and ask your friend what’s going on?  Not just “hey, what’s up” but “Hey, somethings on your mind, and I’m not going to have another beer until you tell me what’s up!”  Yes, I’ve actually gone that route before.  It’s these friends that don’t care how awkward or tiring it is to deal with your “stuff”, but they care enough about you to hash this stuff out.  Friends are tough to maintain, but you’ve got to decide if they are people that you care enough about, to put in the work to maintain.  Everyone thinks friends are a dime a dozen.  Not true!  Acquaintances are a dime a dozen, friends are harder to come by.  I have friends, and then I have FRIENDS!  My FRIENDS I would do almost anything for.  They are the people that I can call for a stake-out.  Can I call you for a stake-out sometime….?  Well could I?  I’m not gonna write another post until you comment on whether I can call you for a stake-out!  I’ll bring the donuts and Dr. Pepper!

Now for the good stuff!  I love to talk about RELATIONSHIPS!  I mean your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/ estranged lover/Sancho kind of relationship!  Now friends are work, but this is on a whole other scale.  At first it’s easy!  You think about them all the time, you text them constantly, you call them for no reason but to hear their voice.  I love this stage of a relationship.  HONEYMOON STAGE!  But, it gets better.  Unfortunately it’s not as easy.  When you start building on a true relationship where you are sharing your life with someone, it’s tough.  Life is tough, and that’s just living your own, now try to mix in another selfish person, and some very selfish kids.  I say selfish, because it’s not in our nature to be selfless.  You have to train yourself to be selfless.  Try waking up and living your life for someone else.  That’s basically what a perfect marriage is I think.  If both people in the relationship wake up and do everything they do that day for the other person i.e. make breakfast that they like, fill the car up before you come home so they don’t have to worry about it, and stop by the store so you can pick up their favorite bottle of wine.  It’s these kind of things that bless the other person.  If everyone lived their marriage like this, there wouldn’t be a divorce rate.  But we are sinful, faulted people.  We can’t keep that up forever…unless we ask for help.  I fully intend on making this the model for my…next…marriage.  The person that I’m with better expect to have all of me forever!  I’ll be pouring on the blessings.  You’re going to have coffee in the morning, sweet texts throughout the day, flowers once a year…(i’m romantic, not wealthy!) and so forth.  I love to love.

Communication is the key to any relationship.  Serious or not.  If you don’t like something that the other person is doing, tell them.  If you feel that you can’t, then it’s not a healthy relationship.  Both parties should be able to be completely transparent with each other.  “hey, i’m not comfortable with you hanging out with this person, because of X, Y, and Z.”  The other person can re-act 1 of 2 ways.  “Ok, I don’t necessarily agree, but let’s talk about it”, or maybe, “you’re right, I really shouldn’t, I apologize, thanks for bringing it to my attention”.  Or the other way, “You’re always trying to ‘monitor’ who I hang out with, You don’t trust me!”  This is the sign of mistrust.  I’ve actually found that when someone in a relationship accuses the other of something that is unsubstantiated, then they are usually guilty of it themselves.  Communication though is the key.  If you can’t talk to the other person, then you shouldn’t be more than friends with them.

Selflessly Selfish!  You give soo much of yourself, that there is no other option than for someone to start giving back to you, it’s selflessly selfish.  It’s a selfless way to be selfish.  Make sense?

Let me know what you think on this topic.  I need feedback.  Share what you think!


Love to Love!

1 06 2011

I’ve been doing alot of thinking lately and realizing how blessed I am.  I don’t have an easy life, I don’t have a ton of money, I have had a lot of heart breaks, but one thing I have found very prevalent in my life, LOVE.

I have loved and I am continuously blessed with the love of many.  I consider myself to have a BIG heart (which matches my big…ness)  and I love to love people.  Yes, I do some of it selfishly, but if I love on other people to get some sort of personal satisfaction, I’m not going to hear too many complaints on that…I think.  But truly, I love on people because: A) I love the satisfaction of people being blessed and B) I love on people because I know that’s what I’m called to do.

Ok, now to go in depth.  A) I love to know that I’ve caused someone joy, satisfaction, relief, and pleasure.  I’ve been very blessed in my life by being surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to go out of their way to help me.  People who care more about helping me out and showing me love than watching an extra hour of t.v.  It’s an overwhelming feeling of joy knowing that people care.  Have you ever been sitting their thinking about all the friends that have just helped you move and you think to yourself, “man I wish they didn’t help me out, I know they don’t expect anything in return which is such a burden.  I wish they had just let me struggle, alone, and I could have had a nice little pity party!”  Of course not!  Instead, “I can’t believe this person/people took time out of their day to come help me out, which I’m sure wasn’t on their to-do list, but I’m important enough or worth the effort.”  That’s just a good feeling.  Rarely do people ever express that to that person who’s helped or been helping them, but they think it, and that’s enough for me to keep helping people.  A good friend of mine introduced me to this thought that’s an amazing one if you really grasp it.  They said, “you’re not responsible for someone else’s re-action, only your actions.”  So when you help someone out, don’t wait for them to say, “thanks for the help,” just know that you did your part.  You took the right action, and they’re reaction is out of your control.  Imagine this, (as you all know, I love analogies) your friend is going to Colorado from Arizona, and they ask you, their good friend, to go with and keep them company, and he’ll fly you back.  That’s a long trip, around 15 hours to be exact.  That’s going to take some effort on your part, but they’ve already offered to pay for everything so you don’t need to do anything but keep them company and maybe drive for a few hours.  But this friend, never said thank you the last time you helped them move.  They never even helped re-imburse you for your gas.  Well you say, “No” and this friend makes the trip themselves.  They drive for hours, trying to make it there before sundown, so they drive for 12 hours straight, then all the sudden, they fall asleep at the wheel, crash and are paralyzed for the rest of their life.  How do you feel now?  Well they weren’t a good friend to me!  And how did that make you feel?  Was that a good feeling?  Did it make you feel valuable?  Of course not, it was lonely and hard work.  Well because you decided to teach them a lesson, they have to live the rest of their lives in a wheelchair and no you’re not to blame, but you could’ve helped and you might have even had fun, but instead, you taught them a really good lesson!  I always try to think about the reprocussions of my decisions and am I doing all that I can to be a good neighbor.  That’s what we are called to do.  I don’t care what you believe or don’t believe, being a good neighbor to everyone, can change the world.  It can change lives.

Now for B) As a christian believer, I’m called to do many things.  Number 1, Love God!  Number 2, Love your neighbor!

That’s kind of a big statement.  God has called us to love our neighbor as ourselves right after, we love Him.  That means, treat your neighbor as you would want to be treated.  I would hope that my neighbor would help me move a couch because I can’t do it myself.  It takes them a minute, but saves me 20.  Besides, I love meeting new people.  Think about each and every one of your friends, they were all strangers at one point, and you got to know them through random circumstances and now you’re good friends with them sharing every part of your life with them.  You never know when your next best friend is looking for a little help from a “stranger”.  My small group used to hate “multiplying” because that

means we have to not meet with some people that we’ve grown relationships with.  I keep telling people, there are 8 new “good friends” waiting to meet us, all we have to do is be open to meeting new people.  I might meet my next wife through a random circumstance.  I might not even be helping that person directly, but might run into them while helping someone else.  Or, you can be greedy with your own time…that God has granted you…and do what you want to do, which usually isn’t important, but just something that is fun.  Then, next time your turn comes around for help, you’ll have….the same amount of people not willing to help you, because you never helped them.  Am I being redundant or is this making sense?

In short…I guess long because this is a long rambling, take time out of your day to care about other people.  We are only here on this planet for a short amount of time.  Selfishly, I want a ton of people at my funeral, sharing hilarious stories of me being dumb and making them laugh.  I want THOUSANDS of people at my funeral acknowledging the fact that I was a great neighbor and friend.  I want there to be stories told of my blunders and bloopers, successes and failures, times of joy and sorrow, times of laughing till you hurt and peeing yourself.  I want people to know that I LOVED them because I was loved first by God and he took time out of His eternity to show me His perfect love.  If my broken and selfish life was worth loving, then I think I can return a little bit of that.