Feeling soo frustrated!

25 05 2011

Love driving...apparently.

I’m on the brink of depression!  I hate to be so malo-dramatic, but I can’t take it.  All I’ve ever wanted to do is to have a family and wife and that’s about it.

I’d say I’m a pretty good guy.  I take care of myself…last, put everyone else before me, truly care about most people.  Don’t start giving me the psycho babble either.  I already know it because I’m telling myself the same stuff, but I’m not listening to me right now.  Focus on yourself.  Take care of yourself.  Get your life together.  I know!  But I’ve realized that I’m just not meant to be alone.

I really think God is trying to work on me, but I’m trying harder to not let Him.  UUGH!  I hate when God wants to win me back over.  It means letting go of all the stuff that I want to ruin me.  Oh well.

So this started out as a rant, but now I’m gonna try to let God do his thing.  Just pray for me.  I’m not good at being alone, I realize that’s not necessarily healthy, but I have too much love in me to not share it.  So here’s the plan.  Yikes!

I’m gonna start trying to get my career back on track.  Get a career, not a job.  I’m also going to be reading my bible more.  I’ve said that many times to little avail, but I’m gonna work on it this time.  Also, I’m going to get off dating websites.  Those just give me hope that I’ll find someone.  There’s some good people on there, but I waste my time hoping, and not letting God work.  That’s about all I can come up with.

Any suggestions?  Leave a comment, help a brother out!


Mothers Day!

9 05 2011

Unfortunately I wasn’t able to see my mother on mothers day this year.  It’s always a busy day at the resort.  I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot lately.  I was thinking about what I could do for her, what can I get her to let her know how much I really love her.  I’m horrible at that stuff.  Besides, buying something for someone isn’t the best way to tell them you love them.  So, Mother, this is my way of saying “I LOVE YOU!”


You have always been there for me.  I’ve gone through a lot in my time already.  You’ve always been the most supportive person in my life.  Anytime I’ve been down, you’re always there to talk.  If I’m down, you’ll sympathize with me.  If I’m upset, you’ll listen to me vent.  If I’m excited, you’re always there to get excited with me.  You’re not just going through the emotions though.  You’ve showed me what it really means to be a parent.  I have been thinking about this the last few days.

Through my divorce, you didn’t always just get behind me and agree with everything.  You’ve been there to try to reason with me, try to look at the other side of things and really try to work out the situation with me and help me understand what’s really going on.  A lot of people would just say, “she doesn’t deserve you” and that helps, temporarily, but to really help the situation, someone that loves you will tell you how it really is.  You’ve always been that for me.

I really can’t say how much you amaze me.  You’ve been there to bring us to church every sunday when we were younger.  That was hard I’m sure because we weren’t all the easiest to get to church, but you cared for us enough to fight with us every Sunday because you were the parent that truly wanted us to be God’s children.  You embody a parent that raises their kid in a Godly house.  Regardless of how difficult it was, you did what was right.  You gave us the foundation that God wanted for us.  I attribute my salvation to the hard work and perseverance of YOU.  You didn’t save me, but you did everything that God asked of you.  You kept going to church throughout the years, which I believe, ultimately saved our whole family.  You are the mother that I wish I would find in my future wife.

You have the strength that I could only hope for.  You’ve fought for your husband.  You’ve endured countless fights, arguments,  and struggles, and now you have 2 sons who would do anything for you.  You have a spirit that just can’t be broken.  Cancer kills a ton of people, but it will never kill your spirit.  To go through Chemo, Radiation and now this experimental treatment, and still have a passion for life and people that you do, is remarkable.

I’m excited for your retirement.  Yeah, you might go a little stir crazy at first, but you’ve also given your grandson, Ethan, the chance to have a glimpse of the childhood that Josh and I have had.  He will truly be blessed with the time that you give him.  I’m excited for that.

My one desire, is that my child will have that same chance.  I wish that you can see me be a dad.  I hope to be as good of a father as you’ve been a mother.  Just know that my child will be loved and brought up right, because that is the only example that I’ve ever been shown by you and dad.  I hope that I can have you’re strength to take my kids to church, fight with them in the morning to get them going, drag them to church knowing that I’m doing my duty as a parent.  God asks us to bring your children up with a relationship with him, and I know that’s not going to be easy, but you’ve set that example for me.

Mom, in conclusion, you’re the best mom I could have ever imagined.  You’ve trained your children to love God in a world that doesn’ t make that easy.  Josh and I know how lucky we are.  Your the most loving, supportive, understanding, caring, and determined mother I have ever known.  I know you wish that you could’ve given us more, and done more for us, but you’ve already given us the BEST childhood we could’ve asked for.  If we could be a fraction of the parent you were, I would be a happy guy.  Thank you for everything, and know that I LOVE YOU!  I don’t always say it, but you know it.  You’ve left your legacy that will not die with you, but will live on in our children.  You’ve shown us what a PARENT looks like.  You’ve blessed the Barton generations to come with your example of a MOTHER.  Thank you!