Heartbroken

23 03 2009

So, as my numerous readers might not know, Danielle and I are seperated right now.  It once again caught me completely off guard.  I guess I’m pretty blind to problems in my own marriage and willing to offer plenty of advice for other people’s marriages.

I’m not equipped to handle this.  My heart is crushed and yet even more so for my own wife.  From what I’ve understood of this whole thing there are a few key points where I have failed.

First, I don’t realize the severity of an issue.  I’m not going to name this issue but anyone close to me knows what it is.  I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before.  I’ve never had someone tell me, “Oh by the way, If she says “______” then this is how you need to react and it’s very serious that you take care of it right away.  I didn’t know this and apparently I’m now the cause of alot of anxiety and sadness now.  Imagine that the person that you would easily die for gets sad at the mere thought of your name.  It crushes me everytime I think about it.

Second, I’m apparently unapproachable.  Thinking back on situations I haven’t been the easiest person to talk to.  A few times she has really opened up to me and I, once again, don’t know the proper way to respond to let her know that I have heard and understand what she’s  saying and not only that you’re saying it, but that you feel safe enough to tell me.  So I have failed there too.

Thirdly, well there is no third thing.  I now have to wait.  Have to wait from a good distance until things are worked out.  Worked out without me.  What would you say to someone if they said, “Hey I’m going to need to work on fixing your heart, but in order to do that I’m going to take it from you.  I’m not sure how long it’s going to take, but it could be weeks.  You’re just going to have to wait and hope for the best with reports second hand on how things are going.”  Yeah no problem, I don’t need my heart,  the thing that keeps me living.  Have at it.  Don’t have any clue on how it’s going to be fixed or what steps are being taken to fix it, but no problem.

As you can see, I’m hurt and frustrated.  I have been talking with my close friends about this and this is what I’ve extracted from them.  The main issue that we are dealing with is very serious and needs to be taken care of immediately.  Now if the thought of my name makes her sad, then I’m hurting my “heart” by trying to talk to her.  So I’m not going to force the fact that I want to see her.  I also believe that some of these issue’s are directly related to the lack of God in our lives.  We’ve not been the best about staying in The Word, or sharing life with a life group, so I believe that Satan has put his foot in the door and taken this opportunity to put lies into Danielle’s head/heart about my love for her and God’s love for her.

girl-prayingWhat does all this mean?  We need prayer.  Not just, “Yeah I’ll pray for you”, and that’s the last of it.  Please stop right now and pray for us.  Pray that God will take over our hearts and minds and help us to heal from this.  If you’re still reading then you haven’t stopped to pray….Thank you.  I truly appreciate and love all of you who read this, which is pretty much my family.  Also I’ve got a challenge for you.  When you read this, send me a text that says, “I’m praying for you and Danielle”.  I’d really appreciate it.  Also, I would love for someone to keep me accountable on my prayer life.  I’m praying every morning and night, and hopefully throughout the day as well.  I’d appreciate it if someone would check to see if I’ve done that.

“Pray as if everything depends on God, work as if everything depends on you”

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