Taken to the Brink!

27 03 2009

You’ve ever felt that nothing you do is enough?  I’m there.  I feel that progress has been made and things are starting to turn around.  Then everything falls apart.  I can’t tell you how bad this hurts.

josh-sommer-drowning1I feel soo lost.  Like I don’t know which way is up.  I feel like I’ve been thrown into the ocean.  I come to the top just to get hit with another giant wave that throws me under again.  Then it just keeps beating me down.  I think I have an inkling of understanding for someone who is stranded in the ocean.  You keep getting beat down and nothing seems to make you’re situation better.  Then you start thinking, “Well if I give up now maybe it’ll be quick.  Maybe I won’t keep wasting energy towards something that seems hopeless.”  That about sums it up.  I have tried and tried and prayed and prayed for someone to come rescue me, but I’m not seeing any changes.  How do you get out of this?

I don’t see how giving up and letting it slip away helps, but everything is leading towards that.  What do you do when you keep getting beat down with more waves?  When you start to lose track of which way is up and why do I keep struggling, what do you do then?  I don’t want to give up because I know what that’ll lead to.


On a lighter note

25 03 2009

I just came across this video and thought that everyone should see it.

Here you go.

I hurt!

24 03 2009

I’m hurting soo bad right now.  I never thought that missing someone could hurt soo bad.  This might all be a little depressing but it’s one of my only outlets.  I just want to see my wife and hold her for five minutes and then walk away if that’s what she wants.  I just want to be able to see her.  See that she is not hurting as much as I am.  I wish that I could take all her hurt from her so she would be able to go about life like she did before we were together.  I wish that this would all go away.  God help me.


23 03 2009

So, as my numerous readers might not know, Danielle and I are seperated right now.  It once again caught me completely off guard.  I guess I’m pretty blind to problems in my own marriage and willing to offer plenty of advice for other people’s marriages.

I’m not equipped to handle this.  My heart is crushed and yet even more so for my own wife.  From what I’ve understood of this whole thing there are a few key points where I have failed.

First, I don’t realize the severity of an issue.  I’m not going to name this issue but anyone close to me knows what it is.  I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before.  I’ve never had someone tell me, “Oh by the way, If she says “______” then this is how you need to react and it’s very serious that you take care of it right away.  I didn’t know this and apparently I’m now the cause of alot of anxiety and sadness now.  Imagine that the person that you would easily die for gets sad at the mere thought of your name.  It crushes me everytime I think about it.

Second, I’m apparently unapproachable.  Thinking back on situations I haven’t been the easiest person to talk to.  A few times she has really opened up to me and I, once again, don’t know the proper way to respond to let her know that I have heard and understand what she’s  saying and not only that you’re saying it, but that you feel safe enough to tell me.  So I have failed there too.

Thirdly, well there is no third thing.  I now have to wait.  Have to wait from a good distance until things are worked out.  Worked out without me.  What would you say to someone if they said, “Hey I’m going to need to work on fixing your heart, but in order to do that I’m going to take it from you.  I’m not sure how long it’s going to take, but it could be weeks.  You’re just going to have to wait and hope for the best with reports second hand on how things are going.”  Yeah no problem, I don’t need my heart,  the thing that keeps me living.  Have at it.  Don’t have any clue on how it’s going to be fixed or what steps are being taken to fix it, but no problem.

As you can see, I’m hurt and frustrated.  I have been talking with my close friends about this and this is what I’ve extracted from them.  The main issue that we are dealing with is very serious and needs to be taken care of immediately.  Now if the thought of my name makes her sad, then I’m hurting my “heart” by trying to talk to her.  So I’m not going to force the fact that I want to see her.  I also believe that some of these issue’s are directly related to the lack of God in our lives.  We’ve not been the best about staying in The Word, or sharing life with a life group, so I believe that Satan has put his foot in the door and taken this opportunity to put lies into Danielle’s head/heart about my love for her and God’s love for her.

girl-prayingWhat does all this mean?  We need prayer.  Not just, “Yeah I’ll pray for you”, and that’s the last of it.  Please stop right now and pray for us.  Pray that God will take over our hearts and minds and help us to heal from this.  If you’re still reading then you haven’t stopped to pray….Thank you.  I truly appreciate and love all of you who read this, which is pretty much my family.  Also I’ve got a challenge for you.  When you read this, send me a text that says, “I’m praying for you and Danielle”.  I’d really appreciate it.  Also, I would love for someone to keep me accountable on my prayer life.  I’m praying every morning and night, and hopefully throughout the day as well.  I’d appreciate it if someone would check to see if I’ve done that.

“Pray as if everything depends on God, work as if everything depends on you”

I am the Man!

5 03 2009

Just thought I would like to update everyone on my new “Greatest Achievement Ever” award.  I have bowled the previously impossible and yet not so much anymore “Perfect Game”.  It consisted of 12 beautiful strikes in a row.

I know some people have been skeptical but truly I will clear it up.  I did not fix the scores to read that way, I did have a witness or 9, and I have the printout to prove it.  I about crapped my pants after that 11th strike, but I stayed calm and cool and got the 12th.

the-perfect-gamethe music that started playing after the 12th strike

Dreams and Desires

5 03 2009

I have recently been thinking about the future alot.  Where Danielle and I want to settle down, how many and when we are going to have kids, our jobs, our role in the church and all that good stuff.  I have come to a few conclusions.

Colorado is where I have my heart set for us.  We have some friends that live there and some that are going to be living there.  I also have family who currently live there.  Also, the state itself is gorgeous.  We are looking at around Fort Collins/Boulder/Loveland area.  We want to get a house with some land in the backcountry a little bit.

Next, I have been tossing around a lot of ideas about what I want to be doing the rest of my life.  I have tossed around being a Chili’s Manager, being a pastor of some sort, an architect/landscape designer.  The one most recent that I’m pretty fond of is being a carpenter/furniture maker and designer.  I say designer very loosely because, I am not going to make some furniture that I learned how to do from a book or show.  I want to create custom furniture.  Have a big old workshop with tons of tools and custom make furniture for myself, the church, and friends/family.  That would make me very happy.  I love working with my hands.

Next is children.  We’ve talked about this topic over and over again.  We aren’t ready to settle down just yet, but we are thinking about it within the next 5 years or so.  We don’t want to be too old, but we also don’t want to give up some of our younger years before we are ready.  We want to have a boy first, then girl, then boy.  That’s the plan anyways.  If anyone knows of any way to up the chances on making those work let us know.  Then we’ll publish it and make millions on it.  Crap! I just told you of my plans.  Anyways, we’ve also discussed discipline, and names, and goals for our kids.

So anyways, all this to say, if you and your spouse haven’t talked about this stuff, you probably ought to.  It’s good to have an idea of what you’re future is going to look like.  Besides it raises alot of good questions and discussions before it happens.

Life is good once again!

5 03 2009

The stress of life is starting to lift off my shoulders once again.  Money is still a little tight and I still have a lot of work every week, but overall life is good.

I can say that because I’ve noticed that Danielle and I are doing much better.  We had another little dry spot, but we are back and doing well again.  Work was stressing both of us out, the bills never stop, the house was a wreck, and a few other irritations.  Things have changed though.  The house, thanks to the in-laws, is clean and we are doing a great job of keeping it clean.  We’ve changed our lifestyle to fit our new “clean house” lifestyle.  Work is still tough, but it’s just work.  It’s not that bad.  We are getting a system down to pay our bills.  I say again, “Life is Good”.

I’ve noticed how much the house being clean really effects our mood.  It’s amazing how much impact it has on our relationship, our moods, and love life.

It probably helps that I have about 3 vacations planned in the next 3 months.  But hey, I’ve been working hard for 2 years straight.  It’s time for a little reward.