Rachel Sisneros (soon to be Barton) and I are getting married in San Diego and I couldnt be happier.  She is the most amazing person I’ve met.  She is the most up front and honest person I know.  From the first time she messaged me on PlentyofFish.com I’ve realized this.  Her first message to me was, “if I’m not too old, have too many kids, or live to far away, message me back”  Very odd first impression but I loved it.  She put it right out there.

Apparently the first things that caught her attention about me was the fact that I was Christian and 6’2″.  Why is this important?  Rachel is 5’10″ and Gorgeous but for her it was hard to find a guy tall enough to where she could wear high heels and he would still be taller than her.  She loves to wear high heels and I love it too because she has long legs that are absolutely stunning.  She really is an incredible catch and I’m glad she found me.  Even to this day she lets me know that “She found me” and I’m so thankful for that.

Some other amazing things about her: She is a very solid Christian woman who has a heart of gold.  She cares deeply for others and will always be looking out for everyone and can see the good in anyone.  Constantly she’s sharing her heart for the poor and less fortunate.  She kicks herself because she wishes she had just asked for people to donate money to people who don’t have running water for christmas.  She is always saying how she feels greedy because she has soo much compared to most people and sometimes it makes her sad.  I’m pretty sure she has Christ’s heart for people and I can see us donating lots of money and sponsoring kids all over the world in our time together.  She is soo focused on God that most of our serious discussions are about Christ and our role here on earth.  She just has a heart that I don’t think fits in her chest!  I love it.  She is making me a stronger man in my faith and that is why I’m so excited for our future.  That is the point of marriage right?

She is the mother of two great boys.  Gabe and Finn.  They are both great kids.  Rachel has always put them first in her life and it shows.  Gabe has a huge heart and is the sweetest kid, which obviously he gets from his mother.  Finn is a little different.  He’s also a sweetheart but he’s also a little bugger sometimes.  He has this way though of

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winning you over.  He says the funniest things and then just smiles at you and it’s impossible to be mad at him.  They are both great kids and it’s easy to see where they get it.  I’m extremely excited to be apart of their family and cant’ wait to expand our family.  She is the best mom ever, and I can’t wait to be the best dad ever with her as my example.

All in all, I’m soo blessed.  God has led me here and has made me grow through all my experiences and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  It would be nice to not go through all the heartache and everything, but I wouldn’t trade it ever.  She is my everything.  I’m so thankful for her and her kids and will treat her as the blessing she is.

I love my soon to be wifey

As far back as I can remember, all of our families have shared the holidays together.  I remember being a small kid living back on Union Hills and I was woke up by my mom the night of Christmas saying, “Boys come here, I heard something downstairs.”  We woke up and went with my mom and slowly we realized that Santa was putting presents under the Christmas tree.  We both got soo excited and could barely hold our excitement.  Later of course we realized that it was Papa.  The old guy had pulled one over on us.  I never did ask, but I’m pretty sure he visited a few houses that year.  What a guy.  Then of course we have Thanksgiving.  Even to this day, I look forward to sharing Thanksgiving with all my family.  Of course the highlight, besides the plethora of food, is the “tossing of the dinner rolls”.  We all know the routine of course.  The Ladies cook, and the men clean.  I’ve never really liked that rule but that brings me to my next point.  The values instilled in this family.

As we all knew, the Bartons have grown up as a farming family.  I’ve realized now as an adult, what this has translated to.  We Bartons are a hardworking family and very down to earth.  Jerry, Brenda, Sheila, Rick and of course my pop, are the most down to earth and solid people I’ve met.  I absolutely love my family and wouldn’t trade them for the world.  I’m not forgetting the spouses either, I love EVERYONE of you.  Now, when talking about an entire family being down to earth and amazing, you have to look at the parents.

Granny and Papa are the 2 single most amazing people in the world.  As far as I know, Papa was a “No Non-sense” kind of guy, which I’m sure is the reason why Jerry was their first son.  Jerry had all the non-sense in the family so having 4 more kids was no problem.  Papa reminds me of Jerry.  He didn’t take guff from anyone.  Now Papa also had a storytelling side of him.  I remember Papa telling story after story of all his golf experiences and his times on the farm and when I was a kid and I took everyone of them as fact.  Now I’m not so sure.  I think he stretched the truth a bit, but regardless, I tried to egg him on to tell more stories.  Papa and I had a bond.  We were golfing buddies.  I can’t tell you how much I looked forward to going golfing with the old man.  I learned so much from him.  Putting from the bunker, “rabbit must have taken my ball, I’ll just drop here”, and of course the infamous  the “sun city” lie.  I learned alot from the old guy.  I miss him dearly but I know I’ll see him again.

That leaves Granny, the reason I’m writing this.  This is the model woman.  As far as I know, “Oh Sugar” is her choice of cuss words.  I’m pretty sure that’s the worst thing she’s ever said.  When we all heard about someone stealing $40 out of her wallet, I’m pretty sure most of our family was ready to march down to that hospital and start interrogating most of the people there.  You might as well have stolen from the Pope.  There isn’t a more innocent and sweet person in the world than my Granny.  She’s a gem.  I know our whole family is heart-broken over the loss of Papa, but I think we all can forget about our grief, because Granny, Papa’s wife of more than 60 years, is standing strong.  She is the rock of this family.  She is a God loving, community serving, hostess with the mostest, potato salad mastering, angel on this earth.  She has set the bar high, and I think that she is what most women should strive for.  My Granny will forever be remembered in the highest respects.  I’m ecstatic to see her again, and I’m going to get a great big hug from her.  I have so much love and respect for the women, i’m pretty sure she could go rob a bank, and our entire family would take the fall for her. 

Granny, we all love you and you are the rock in which we lean on, and our model to mold our lives around.  You can do no wrong in my eyes, and I look forward to spending an eternity with you.  You will have an entire palace of jewels awaiting you in heaven when you pass 50 years from now…NO SOONER!  I praise God for the family that you have blessed us with Granny. 

Friends at a Friends wedding...and me pimping the fedora!

I have a pretty decent group of friends.  True friends that care enough about me to inconvenience themselves.  But it’s not easy.  I’ve put a lot of time and pride swallowing moments into these relationships.  I’ve had friends who’ve slept with my Valentines date…not going to mention any names, but it’s the same butthead who also pissed in my shoe and I didn’t find out until 3 months later!  Dick!  I’ve also had friends who’ve come with me on a stake-out to see if I could catch my ex-wife cheating on me.  Not something you want to do at 7 a.m. but he did it.  But these relationships are tough.  I’ve been talking to a good friend of mine a lot lately about what it means to be a good friend and it really boils down to this.  Selflessness.  It’s really easy to be caught up in your own “stuff” but how often do you stop and ask your friend what’s going on?  Not just “hey, what’s up” but “Hey, somethings on your mind, and I’m not going to have another beer until you tell me what’s up!”  Yes, I’ve actually gone that route before.  It’s these friends that don’t care how awkward or tiring it is to deal with your “stuff”, but they care enough about you to hash this stuff out.  Friends are tough to maintain, but you’ve got to decide if they are people that you care enough about, to put in the work to maintain.  Everyone thinks friends are a dime a dozen.  Not true!  Acquaintances are a dime a dozen, friends are harder to come by.  I have friends, and then I have FRIENDS!  My FRIENDS I would do almost anything for.  They are the people that I can call for a stake-out.  Can I call you for a stake-out sometime….?  Well could I?  I’m not gonna write another post until you comment on whether I can call you for a stake-out!  I’ll bring the donuts and Dr. Pepper!

Now for the good stuff!  I love to talk about RELATIONSHIPS!  I mean your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/ estranged lover/Sancho kind of relationship!  Now friends are work, but this is on a whole other scale.  At first it’s easy!  You think about them all the time, you text them constantly, you call them for no reason but to hear their voice.  I love this stage of a relationship.  HONEYMOON STAGE!  But, it gets better.  Unfortunately it’s not as easy.  When you start building on a true relationship where you are sharing your life with someone, it’s tough.  Life is tough, and that’s just living your own, now try to mix in another selfish person, and some very selfish kids.  I say selfish, because it’s not in our nature to be selfless.  You have to train yourself to be selfless.  Try waking up and living your life for someone else.  That’s basically what a perfect marriage is I think.  If both people in the relationship wake up and do everything they do that day for the other person i.e. make breakfast that they like, fill the car up before you come home so they don’t have to worry about it, and stop by the store so you can pick up their favorite bottle of wine.  It’s these kind of things that bless the other person.  If everyone lived their marriage like this, there wouldn’t be a divorce rate.  But we are sinful, faulted people.  We can’t keep that up forever…unless we ask for help.  I fully intend on making this the model for my…next…marriage.  The person that I’m with better expect to have all of me forever!  I’ll be pouring on the blessings.  You’re going to have coffee in the morning, sweet texts throughout the day, flowers once a year…(i’m romantic, not wealthy!) and so forth.  I love to love.

Communication is the key to any relationship.  Serious or not.  If you don’t like something that the other person is doing, tell them.  If you feel that you can’t, then it’s not a healthy relationship.  Both parties should be able to be completely transparent with each other.  “hey, i’m not comfortable with you hanging out with this person, because of X, Y, and Z.”  The other person can re-act 1 of 2 ways.  “Ok, I don’t necessarily agree, but let’s talk about it”, or maybe, “you’re right, I really shouldn’t, I apologize, thanks for bringing it to my attention”.  Or the other way, “You’re always trying to ‘monitor’ who I hang out with, You don’t trust me!”  This is the sign of mistrust.  I’ve actually found that when someone in a relationship accuses the other of something that is unsubstantiated, then they are usually guilty of it themselves.  Communication though is the key.  If you can’t talk to the other person, then you shouldn’t be more than friends with them.

Selflessly Selfish!  You give soo much of yourself, that there is no other option than for someone to start giving back to you, it’s selflessly selfish.  It’s a selfless way to be selfish.  Make sense?

Let me know what you think on this topic.  I need feedback.  Share what you think!

I have loved and I am continuously blessed with the love of many.  I consider myself to have a BIG heart (which matches my big…ness)  and I love to love people.  Yes, I do some of it selfishly, but if I love on other people to get some sort of personal satisfaction, I’m not going to hear too many complaints on that…I think.  But truly, I love on people because: A) I love the satisfaction of people being blessed and B) I love on people because I know that’s what I’m called to do.

Helping Hands...or paws http://pixdaus.com/pics/1256045599U6TmdGD.jpg

Ok, now to go in depth.  A) I love to know that I’ve caused someone joy, satisfaction, relief, and pleasure.  I’ve been very blessed in my life by being surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to go out of their way to help me.  People who care more about helping me out and showing me love than watching an extra hour of t.v.  It’s an overwhelming feeling of joy knowing that people care.  Have you ever been sitting their thinking about all the friends that have just helped you move and you think to yourself, “man I wish they didn’t help me out, I know they don’t expect anything in return which is such a burden.  I wish they had just let me struggle, alone, and I could have had a nice little pity party!”  Of course not!  Instead, “I can’t believe this person/people took time out of their day to come help me out, which I’m sure wasn’t on their to-do list, but I’m important enough or worth the effort.”  That’s just a good feeling.  Rarely do people ever express that to that person who’s helped or been helping them, but they think it, and that’s enough for me to keep helping people.  A good friend of mine introduced me to this thought that’s an amazing one if you really grasp it.  They said, “you’re not responsible for someone else’s re-action, only your actions.”  So when you help someone out, don’t wait for them to say, “thanks for the help,” just know that you did your part.  You took the right action, and they’re reaction is out of your control.  Imagine this, (as you all know, I love analogies) your friend is going to Colorado from Arizona, and they ask you, their good friend, to go with and keep them company, and he’ll fly you back.  That’s a long trip, around 15 hours to be exact.  That’s going to take some effort on your part, but they’ve already offered to pay for everything so you don’t need to do anything but keep them company and maybe drive for a few hours.  But this friend, never said thank you the last time you helped them move.  They never even helped re-imburse you for your gas.  Well you say, “No” and this friend makes the trip themselves.  They drive for hours, trying to make it there before sundown, so they drive for 12 hours straight, then all the sudden, they fall asleep at the wheel, crash and are paralyzed for the rest of their life.  How do you feel now?  Well they weren’t a good friend to me!  And how did that make you feel?  Was that a good feeling?  Did it make you feel valuable?  Of course not, it was lonely and hard work.  Well because you decided to teach them a lesson, they have to live the rest of their lives in a

wheelchair and no you’re not to blame, but you could’ve helped and you might have even had fun, but instead, you taught them a really good lesson!  I always try to think about the reprocussions of my decisions and am I doing all that I can to be a good neighbor.  That’s what we are called to do.  I don’t care what you believe or don’t believe, being a good neighbor to everyone, can change the world.  It can change lives.

Now for B) As a christian believer, I’m called to do many things.  Number 1, Love God!  Number 2, Love your neighbor!

That’s kind of a big statement.  God has called us to love our neighbor as ourselves right after, we love Him.  That means, treat your neighbor as you would want to be treated.  I would hope that my neighbor would help me move a couch because I can’t do it myself.  It takes them a minute, but saves me 20.  Besides, I love meeting new people.  Think about each and every one of your friends, they were all strangers at one point, and you got to know them through random circumstances and now you’re good friends with them sharing every part of your life with them.  You never know when your next best friend is looking for a little help from a “stranger”.  My small group used to hate “multiplying” because that

means we have to not meet with some people that we’ve grown relationships with.  I keep telling people, there are 8 new “good friends” waiting to meet us, all we have to do is be open to meeting new people.  I might meet my next wife through a random circumstance.  I might not even be helping that person directly, but might run into them while helping someone else.  Or, you can be greedy with your own time…that God has granted you…and do what you want to do, which usually isn’t important, but just something that is fun.  Then, next time your turn comes around for help, you’ll have….the same amount of people not willing to help you, because you never helped them.  Am I being redundant or is this making sense?

In short…I guess long because this is a long rambling, take time out of your day to care about other people.  We are only here on this planet for a short amount of time.  Selfishly, I want a ton of people at my funeral, sharing hilarious stories of me being dumb and making them laugh.  I want THOUSANDS of people at my funeral acknowledging the fact that I was a great neighbor and friend.  I want there to be stories told of my blunders and bloopers, successes and failures, times of joy

and sorrow, times of laughing till you hurt and peeing yourself.  I want people to know that I LOVED them because I was loved first by God and he took time out of His eternity to show me His perfect love.  If my broken and selfish life was worth loving, then I think I can return a little bit of that.

Love driving...apparently.

I’m on the brink of depression!  I hate to be so malo-dramatic, but I can’t take it.  All I’ve ever wanted to do is to have a family and wife and that’s about it.

I’d say I’m a pretty good guy.  I take care of myself…last, put everyone else before me, truly care about most people.  Don’t start giving me the psycho babble either.  I already know it because I’m telling myself the same stuff, but I’m not listening to me right now.  Focus on yourself.  Take care of yourself.  Get your life together.  I know!  But I’ve realized that I’m just not meant to be alone.

I really think God is trying to work on me, but I’m trying harder to not let Him.  UUGH!  I hate when God wants to win me back over.  It means letting go of all the stuff that I want to ruin me.  Oh well.

So this started out as a rant, but now I’m gonna try to let God do his thing.  Just pray for me.  I’m not good at being alone, I realize that’s not necessarily healthy, but I have too much love in me to not share it.  So here’s the plan.  Yikes!

I’m gonna start trying to get my career back on track.  Get a career, not a job.  I’m also going to be reading my bible more.  I’ve said that many times to little avail, but I’m gonna work on it this time.  Also, I’m going to get off dating websites.  Those just give me hope that I’ll find someone.  There’s some good people on there, but I waste my time hoping, and not letting God work.  That’s about all I can come up with.

Any suggestions?  Leave a comment, help a brother out!

MOM,

You have always been there for me.  I’ve gone through a lot in my time already.  You’ve always been the most supportive person in my life.  Anytime I’ve been down, you’re always there to talk.  If I’m down, you’ll sympathize with me.  If I’m upset, you’ll listen to me vent.  If I’m excited, you’re always there to get excited with me.  You’re not just going through the emotions though.  You’ve showed me what it really means to be a parent.  I have been thinking about this the last few days.

Through my divorce, you didn’t always just get behind me and agree with everything.  You’ve been there to try to reason with me, try to look at the other side of things and really try to work out the situation with me and help me understand what’s really going on.  A lot of people would just say, “she doesn’t deserve you” and that helps, temporarily, but to really help the situation, someone that loves you will tell you how it really is.  You’ve always been that for me.

I really can’t say how much you amaze me.  You’ve been there to bring us to church every sunday when we were younger.  That was hard I’m sure because we weren’t all the easiest to get to church, but you cared for us enough to fight with us every Sunday because you were the parent that truly wanted us to be God’s children.  You embody a parent that raises their kid in a Godly house.  Regardless of how difficult it was, you did what was right.  You gave us the foundation that God wanted for us.  I attribute my salvation to the hard work and perseverance of YOU.  You didn’t save me, but you did everything that God asked of you.  You kept going to church throughout the years, which I believe, ultimately saved our whole family.  You are the mother that I wish I would find in my future wife.

You have the strength that I could only hope for.  You’ve fought for your husband.  You’ve endured countless fights, arguments,  and struggles, and now you have 2 sons who would do anything for you.  You have a spirit that just can’t be broken.  Cancer kills a ton of people, but it will never kill your spirit.  To go through Chemo, Radiation and now this experimental treatment, and still have a passion for life and people that you do, is remarkable.

I’m excited for your retirement.  Yeah, you might go a little stir crazy at first, but you’ve also given your grandson, Ethan, the chance to have a glimpse of the childhood that Josh and I have had.  He will truly be blessed with the time that you give him.  I’m excited for that.

My one desire, is that my child will have that same chance.  I wish that you can see me be a dad.  I hope to be as good of a father as you’ve been a mother.  Just know that my child will be loved and brought up right, because that is the only example that I’ve ever been shown by you and dad.  I hope that I can have you’re strength to take my kids to church, fight with them in the morning to get them going, drag them to church knowing that I’m doing my duty as a parent.  God asks us to bring your children up with a relationship with him, and I know that’s not going to be easy, but you’ve set that example for me.

Mom, in conclusion, you’re the best mom I could have ever imagined.  You’ve trained your children to love God in a world that doesn’ t make that easy.  Josh and I know how lucky we are.  Your the most loving, supportive, understanding, caring, and determined mother I have ever known.  I know you wish that you could’ve given us more, and done more for us, but you’ve already given us the BEST childhood we could’ve asked for.  If we could be a fraction of the parent you were, I would be a happy guy.  Thank you for everything, and know that I LOVE YOU!  I don’t always say it, but you know it.  You’ve left your legacy that will not die with you, but will live on in our children.  You’ve shown us what a PARENT looks like.  You’ve blessed the Barton generations to come with your example of a MOTHER.  Thank you!

The biggest thing as of late is my mom, Cyndy.  She got cancer a few years ago, it was on her right lung.  She ended up having the upper right lobe of her lung removed to get rid of it.  It got rid of most of the cancer, but they still went through Chemo, and Radiation therapy.  It was extremely rough on her.  Well, she beat it and we were ecstatic.  She was going to the doctor on a regular basis getting check-ups and then one day, she came home and broke the news to us.  She found out that the cancer was back, and it was Stage 3B which is inoperable and incurable.  The doctors are giving her 2-3 years max.  They don’t know my momma very well.  She likes to nurse her illnesses, but she is a tough ol’ bird.  She stubborn too.  It still hasn’t really hit.

Next, my Aunt Carol just passed.  She was with our family on Christmas eve, then a few days later we find out that she is in the hospital.  Apparently, she had walking pneumonia, which isn’t a serious condition, but that spurred a fever, which therefore caused a seizure and then she also had an underlying case of bacterial Meningitis.  With all this stuff taking over, which could have been anywhere from 1-3 days, she also had a collapsed lung which resulted in loss of oxygen to the brain, which is ultimately what caused the brain damage.  So, Christmas eve, Carol was hanging out with everyone like a normal holiday, then January 5th she passed away without anyone being able to say goodbye.  It hurts my heart to think of that happening to my own mother.  I would be an absolute wreck!

So, because of these two big events, I’ve realized how precious life is and how I can’t waste my time just being comfortable.  I was with my now ex-girlfriend for around 8 months, and everything was going pretty well.  The only catch, I knew that her and I weren’t going to last in the long run.  She’s a good girl, but just not that marriage material for me.  As a roommate and a friend she’s amazing, but that now leaves me in a predicament.  We are living together still, but we aren’t together and here’s why.  After realizing that life can come and go very quickly, I’m ultimately wasting my time being in a comfortable relationship, instead of finding my future wife and mother of my amazingly awesome kids.

I know this sounds conceded, which if you’re reading this then you already know, but if I don’t reproduce, it would be a crime against humanity!  I would be an amazing father!  I am an amazing husband!  Which brings me to the krux of the matter.  I need to move-on and I need to start making my life!  I need to find a wife that will compliment me and push me to be a better man than I already am.  She’s got some work to do, because it’s very hard to make perfect even better.

One of my biggest frustrations is that my mother might not be able to see me as a daddy!  I still can’t help but cry when I think about that.  My mom and I have a very special relationship.  We both are very deeply connected to each other.  When she hurts, I hurt, and likewise.  My life would be turned upside down if she ended up leaving sooner than we thought.  I know she’s going to be up in heaven watching over me, but that’s not enough for me right now.  It’s a re-assuring thought, but I, selfishly, need to see the joy on her face when she holds my son or daughter for the first time.  I need to hear her say, “You’re a great father!”

Also, I don’t know how to deal with the fact that my mother is dying!  Yes, I know we’re all dying, but she actually has a time-frame, according to the doctors.  How do you deal with the fact that in a few years you won’t be able to see your own mother?  I won’t be able to play cards with her anymore and say, “Why do I get stuck with Stupid?”.  It’s those good times that will never be able to be replaced.  I don’t talk about the cancer that much with her.  I don’t know what to say.  It’s almost as if, “out of sight, out of mind” but I know that’s not true.  It’s that awkward, “what do you say?” syndrome.  What do you say to someone who has a time-frame on their life?  “Let’s go do it while you still can!”   That’s kind of dark!  It’s true, but still not a subject I like to have at the forefront.  I want to spend as much time with her as I can and make more memories where my stomach hurts afterwards from laughing so much.

I will say that I’m excited because I have met a few very cool people as of late.  Possibilities!  One girl who has my full attention right now is a girl named Jen.   We connect on every level so far.  She is me basically, but a lot hotter!  She’s a ginger as well.  We met about a year ago at a friends engagement party, and have been friends on Facebook ever since.  When jolene and I broke up, I’m elated that she sparked a conversation with me.  We have the same taste in music, movies, downtime, views on life, views on marriage and kids.  We’ve both been married before so we have our “Starter Marriage” out of the way.  I never thought I’d say that, but it seems to be true.  We can be doing nothing and having an amazing time.  She will probably read this and be mad at me for sharing, but I can’t help it.  “I want to scream it from a mountain top, but I don’t have a mountain, I have a news room!”  HAHA, another thing we have in common, we love quoting movies.  But that quote is very relevant.  I want to take things slow and do it the right way instead of rushing into a relationship and getting caught up in things that will obscure my vision.  I want to learn everything about her, what makes her tick, what are her buttons that I should never press, does she have what I need in a wife/mother?  Does she have the same life perspective as I do?  Does she view marriage the same way and is her devotion to a relationship the same as mine?  So many questions to ask and be answered.  But I will NEVER get another divorce again.  So I need to make sure that this is someone that will fight with me.  She has to have the, “let’s fight now before we go to bed, so we can wake up tomorrow refreshed and ready to love each other with an unrelenting passion!”.

Anyways, this is my “Quarter-life FREAKOUT!” as it has come to be known as.  So many things to deal with and figure out, and my time frame isn’t growing at all.  Time to really stop being an “adult” and start being a “MAN” who knows where he’s going and who he’s going with.