It’s been a while!

So I haven’t blogged in a very long time.  It’s about time I update everyone on Me!

I am getting divorced.  It’s been a long process, but we both agree that we got into marriage too young and we haven’t had the same goals in mind.  It’s been a long tiring struggle for us both, but this is for the best.  I feel that I’ve done everything I can to save the marriage and in the end, it just wasn’t savable.  I still love Danielle very much and look forward to us being friends.  I really think that it is possible.  So I’m single now, and considering being on the prowl.  I know that I’ve needed some time of healing and I think I’m almost there.  Of course I won’t really know for sure either way until I give it a try.  I’ve let go of all of my bitterness/anger/resentment because it wasn’t really doing any good.  So I dropped it and moved on.

I took my 17 day vacation and it was absolutely amazing.  Not only was it a good time, but I learned alot about myself when I was there.  I’ve learned that I can pretty much talk to and befriend anyone.  I never knew that about myself.  I started figuring this out in Colorado when I went to my cousin’s bar and made friends with pretty much anyone I sat next to.  It was a surprising experience for me.  Then I went to Washington with 2 friends and met their families and friends.  I made 4 really good friends while there too.  Henry, Tiff, Maria and yes even Katylyn.  Good times were definitely had.  I got my tattoo as well, check it out.

Also, I’ve decided that I want to move to Colorado for about a year.  Notice the “want” not I am going to.  I’ve been trying to get my ducks in a row for a while now and they aren’t cooperating.  My car has needed a good 1100 dollars in repairs.  The divorce is going to be a few hundred, as well as taxes.  Then I need to save up some money to move.  Not looking good.  Oh well, life goes on.

I’ve also made some new really good friends at work as well.  My new group of friends (John, Richie, Troye, Shea, Josie, Heather, and Scott) are awesome.  We truly sit around and talk, play games, laugh all day, and just hang out and we have an absolute blast.  Can’t ask for better friends.  Most are believers too, which is always a good thing to have fellow believers strengthening your passion for God.

So, all in all, things are a little tough, but at the same time, things are awesome.  I thank God for all my blessings and the trials He’s given me to make me who I am today.

Vacation!!!

Yeah, so I’m a little excited about my vacation coming up! It’s only 8 days away!  I just got my new Nikon S560 camera and it is the bomb.  I still don’t know how to work everything but I will defineately have time when I’m in the woods with nothing but nature’s beauty around me.  So looking forward to Colorado and Seattle.

So my plans for Colorado are this.  At first I’m going to just hang with the fam and relax for a bit.  Then I’m going to be getting my tattoo.  I might give Tim, the tattoo artist, some time to work with my idea and see what he can come up with.  Hopefully my cousin Casey will come with and now my uncle Herb might as well.  It’ll be a good ol’ fashion family tattooing experience.  That’ll be cool.  Then, I will defineately have to take some tours of the brewery’s out there like New Belgium, Odell’s, and maybe even one of the bigger ones.  Who knows.  Other than that though, It’s mostly kicking back and chillaxin.

Then I go on into Seattle, where I will meet up with Matt and Jenny Mouw, two friends from my small group, where we will be heading into the mountains for a 12 day camping trip with no electricity or running water.  Should be interesting but that’s my style of camping.  As far as I understand it, we will be at the base of Mount Baker and Baker lake.  What a gorgeous sight that will be.  There we will be playing alot of games, board and card hopefully, as well as hiking, crabbing, and just good quiet time.  I’m seriously getting excited.  This will be my first trip by myself and going to multiple states.  What a leap for me.  When I get back I will have to update you guys on everything that happened.

Remember though, what happens in Seattle, stays in Seattle…only the stories come back to haunt you.  I guess that’s the part that should stay.  Oh well.  PEACE!

Unfortuneate Happenings

So, I’m sure most of you know what’s going on with me by now, but I’ve never really came out and said it before.  Danielle, my wife of 4 years has left me.  It’s been hard for me to figure out why, but I think that I understand finally and I want to clear the air in general.

So this is what happened.  I got off work one day and called Danielle to see what she was doing and she was very short with me on the phone.  Immediately I knew something was wrong, but had no idea of the severity.  I got home that night around midnight or so, and we started to talk.  She told me that she was unhappy again and needed a change.  After we had an hour or so of discussing, crying, and yelling, I finally gave up and went to bed.  The next morning she left and went to her parents house.  I was actually just getting ready to go to California for vacation with my family and so was she.  Turns out she still went, but she ended up staying with her parents in Cali. about 10 mins. away from us.

Well, over the next few weeks, we slowly began to talk little by little, with little bits of progress but not much.  It turns out, that everytime we would talk, she would get some serious emotions flowing and it overwhelmed her so she didnt’ want me to call or text her anymore.  Let me tell you how extremely frustrating it is not be able to talk to the person that gives you your next breath.  I felt that I couldn’t breath without her.  She was my heart and soul for 4 years and, now just like that, we couldn’t talk.  Well, God helped me get through that point.  Over the next weeks, we talked very little which didn’t help me piece together what all was going on.  I didn’t hear much from her and didn’t understand what she was telling me.  Here is what I gather though.

Danielle is a very bright and intelligent girl.  She is very driven to succeed in nursing.  I am a very driven person as well.  I am just not as driven for education and money.  I would love to make decent money, but be more active in the church and do what I want to do, as opposed to making lots of money and having a lucritive career.  Danielle says that she really needs someone who is going to pull her “up” along with them in the career ladder if you will.  And you will.  So she needs someone who is more focused on education and their career than I am.

So here is the crux of the matter.  She wants to get a divorce because I don’t have the education or career that she thinks I should have or that she wants in a spouse.  She’s told me specifically that I’ve haven’t done anything to directly push her away from me, but she doesn’t think that we can make it work because of our future plans and desires.  I think that if you find someone who wants to love you and support you and put your dreams ahead of their own because they want to see you happy and succeed, then you have found a gem!  So we just have different perspectives on marriage.  I think that marriage is about finding someone that you want to love and grow together, and she thinks it’s about 2 people working together to build their careers.  I know that this is one sided, but that’s all your going to get because like I said, she won’t talk to me.

Here’s the final bit of this.  Danielle is a great person!  I don’t have too many quarrels with her.  I also have been put on hold and put on the back burner for 4 months now and I’m about ready to crack.  I want to do my “due diligence” and work this thing out, but I’m not going to put my life on hold for someone that doesn’t give me any respect or courtesy.  It’s frustrating that it took 4 years to really build a marriage that I thought was good and strong, and it’s only taken her 4 months to destroy it.  I love Danielle very much and she will always have a piece of me, but if she doesn’t realize what she has in me very soon, she will only have a piece of me and will have thrown away a great thing.

Revamp time again

So, I’ve started smoking again with all the stuff that’s going on and stopped excersizing.  Still losing weight though, weird but cool.  I’ve decided that I’m going to stop smoking and really start getting in shape.  Granted I’ve already lost about 70-75 lbs. depending on the day, but I could still stand to lost another 40 or so.  So here’s what I decided.

I’m going to stop smoking and not start again.  I can’t count how many times I’ve stopped and then started the next day.  Not this time.  I’m going to stop for good so I can actually breathe deeply and get some good oxygen into me.

Next, I’m going to stick to my diet.  It’s my own version of weight watchers.  Eat lots of fiber, little fat, and fewer calories.  I’m a big believer in the calories in vs. calories out philosophy.  So, I need you people around me to hold me to this.  Don’t let me “give in” to the pizza because it’s there.  Tell me to go make some tuna or black beans.  I really want to get into good shape not just slimmer.  I’m also going to enlist the help of one of my friends to work out with me at the gym.  So I’m going to be eating better, and really working off the areas that I don’t want.  Maybe even lose my Manboobs that I’ve had all my life.  I like boobs, but not my own (just in case anyone was wondering).

Finally, I’m really going to start pursuing a career.  Once this vacation is over, I’m going to enroll in Penn Foster Cabinetry and Furniture making program and start to build a career.  I’ve never been one for school, but I need to get an actual career and not just a job.  I love Chili’s, but I can’t do it for much longer.  I’ve reached as high as I’m going to reach there.

So this is my new plan.  This is the direction I’m going to be taking and so the next time you see me, ask me what I’m doing to achieve these goals.  Accountability is everything to me.  I need people talking to me and keeping me on track.

Sports!!

I just don’t get it.  Why is everyone so obsessed with sports?  I have never been into it really.  I love to play baseball and football, but I have never been able to follow the sport.  I don’t know who’s who, who’s doing what, and what all the hub bub is about.  Does that make me less of a man?  Perhaps, I just have more interesting things in my life that I feel are more important.  I don’t really watch TV or watch all that many movies.  I just don’t find the value in it anymore.  I used to be hooked on watching Pinks and Overhaulin but never sports.  I don’t get it.  What’s the value in spending hours everyday reading the newspaper and watching Sportscenter to catch up on the Sports world?  Someone clue me into this.  What am I missing?

The only sport that I really watch and get into is MMA.  I love the UFC and WEC and follow it somewhat closely.  I just respect the people in there soo much.  They aren’t just fighters.  They are technicians!  They can go from almost knocked unconcious to breaking your arm in a matter of a second.  That’s incredible.

Figuring out God

I’ve been trying to figure God out.  He’s not easy.  I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to figure Him out.  His ways and idea of time are crazy.

So I’ve been thinking about my relationship and how God fits into it.  Since about 19 I’ve been trying to seek out God.  As time goes by I’ve been growing closer and closer to Him.  Just when I think I’ve got things figured out, God throws a curveball.  I don’t even believe that He throws a curveball as much as I’ve been sinning or going through the motions and not really seeing what God has been throwing me.  My life seems to go in all directions and when I look back it looks like a curveball.

Anyways, I’ve been trying to fit Him in a box and figure Him out.  I see Him working in a few ways.  Let’s take 2 examples.  The first, a little girl getting raped.  A horrible, horrible experience.  I see two individuals, one who is sinning and the other is not necessarily sinning, but we don’t know.  I see a horrible tradgic thing, but God can still use that for good.  That girl can go on and save the lives of many young girls who have gone through the same thing.  Let’s now take divorce.  Divorce is a tricky thing.  I don’t see how 2 people after God’s heart, could get a divorce.  I don’t see how years down the road, God could use that to better someones life.  You’ve already given your virginity to that person, and you’re sacred relationship to them.  It’s as if you were joined with the person at marriage, then as you get a divorce you need to remove the left portion of you’re ribcage and move on to complete someone else.  You’re mangled and not whole, but yes you can find someone else, you will never be whole though.  You’ll always be missing that part of you.  You can never get it back.  Who knows though.  Maybe that’s not how it really works, maybe God can fully and truly renew you.  I don’t think so, but God isn’t someone that I truly understand yet.  He is always surprising me with new things and new ways of teaching me valueable lessons.

I guess you couldn’t ever figure out God.  If so that would be putting Him into too small of a box.  He’s bigger than any box we could ever imagine.  I always want to chase Him and know what He has for my life, but He’ll never be understood.  I don’t even think when we get to heaven we’ll understand Him.

Who wants to help?

Here’s what I need.  I need some people to work out with me!  I would like to play tennis, go rollerblading, go swimming, workout, anything that requires physical excersize without just running.  Can’t do that.  It’s not that I need someone to motivate me, it’s just more fun when someone or some people are doing it with you.  I need to keep on keepin on and it’s hard when it’s just me doing these things.  I just need to lose about 15 more pounds and then I’m at one of my goals as far as weight goes.  I’m 255 lbs right now.  That’s right, it’s 70 lbs. down since last Summer.  Go me!  So I need to keep on goin’ before I start slacking and not working out!

WHO’S COMING WITH ME?! – Jerry Maguire

Some Artists

You know how you are really going through some emotional times and an artist comes on the radio and the words really speak to you.  Not only that, but you can feel what the artist is feeling.  They can really just cut to the core of you.  Right now it’s artists like Jason Mraz, Colbie Calliat, and now Justin Nozuka.  I remember the first time I heard his song “After Tonight” I was amazed.  He has such soul in his songs.  I know some people don’t like his “bravado” but I think that it fits him.  He does do it in every one of his songs and it does get a little old but other than that I think he’s awesome.  His heart is really in his music.  If not, then he has me fooled.  What do you think?  Do you think he’s good?  Which one do you like best?  Which one speaks to you? Comment and let me know what you think.

Hope!

Hope is a dangerous thing and yet one of the best things to have.  It can keep you going when things look impossible, and it can drag you through the trenches, tearing you apart from the inside out.

Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is the thing that keeps you going when nothing else makes sense.  It can get you through the toughest of times if you let it.  There are alot of people who think that hope is a double edge sword.  I am one of them.  I think that it can be an instrumental tool in getting you through things that you could’ve never made it through.  You know when you see movies and against all odds the hero gets up, and with everything they have left they throw the last haymaker/granade/word to change the almost inevitable outcome.  We all have this little person inside us that says, “Yes! I knew you could do it.  I would’ve done the same thing!”  On the other hand you could turn it around as well.  You’ve always seen the bad guy on his last leg, and even though he’s been beaten or shot 5 times, he still has enough energy to draw his weapon one last time.  You know what happens next.  The hero draws his piece quicker and the “bad guy” is killed.  It’s the same hope that they each had.  The last straw to make things right.

So is hope a good or a bad thing?  I guess it depends on your viewpoint.  I am a strong believer that you can change your viewpoint in the snap of a finger.  It’s easy to always see the bad in things.  That’s our nature.  It’s alot harder to see everything in a positive light.  If you look at every situation and see how it could benefit you or how you could grow from it, you will have a better outlook on life.  Your life will be more uplifting and more fun!  Isn’t that what life is about? I know, not just having fun, you need to have a purpose, but you can have a purpose and have fun fulfilling that purpose.  Lighten up everyone.  Don’t take life sooo seriously!  Do what you need to do, but enjoy the time you have here.

Bad things and Good people

Why do Bad things happen to Good people?  It’s the age old question.  Is there really a right answer?

It’s hard when the bad things are happening to you.  The verse that keeps going through my head is James 1:2-4, “2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  It is not easy to swallow, but it comes straight from the Bible.  I’ve studied this verse before and it’s always stuck out to me.  I remember thinking of this verse many times when I lost my job, when Danielle and I were going through struggles.  I always thought of this.  I never knew I had so much “maturing” to do.  You know when you think you’re really on top of things and you have everything figured out.  That’s when the proverbial “shit hits the fan”.  I’ve thought many times about how I’ve obviously had some maturing to do.  Well, I am still a child apparently.  God is really developing perseverance in me.  It helps me to understand what he’s doing in me and why it’s important that I go through this non-sense.  I just saw a show the other day where a guy wanted to straighten a very crooked stick about a nickel in diameter.  You know how he did it?  He put it over a fire and bent it against some rocks.  He kept doing this until it straightened right out like it was designed that way.  God has to do that sometimes for us.  He has to put us in the flames and really work us over with a rock to straighten us out.  Sucks believe me, I know.  I know what God’s doing but it’s hard because I really just want to rebel and not do the “right” thing, but God keeps me just barely still in His grasp.  I think we’ve all had these times when we want to just be bad for no other reason than F*@$ IT!!  I’m in one of those times.  I want to just say “Screw everything that is right, I want to do what I know is wrong because I feel that I’ve gotten the short end of the stick!”  I know where that leads though.  It leads to temporary fun, excitement, herpes….uh, I mean hurdles.  It just leads to more hurdles that you have to overcome when you can just save the energy and do what God wants of me.  He’s always the stick in the mud!  But I guess I’ve really not answered the question.  “WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?”

Sin!  There is never a day that we don’t sin and screw things up between God and us.  Sometimes it’s not even our sin, but someone elses.  Someone else decides to turn their back on God and someone else pays the price.  Talk about Injustice!  So how about this, why don’t we all just buck up, own our problems, own our situations and deal with them.  Bring them to God.  Say, “God, I’ve screwed up again and I need your guidance and wisdom to lead me through it!” That’s really not that hard!  It’s getting over our own pride and saying “I need help!” Don’t get me wrong people, I still need to do this.  I need to do it right now.  I don’t own alot of things that are going on.  Some I don’t even know what I did, but I know that I had a part in it. That’s ok!  Just bring it to Him and let Him help you through it!  Think of God as you’re own personal blog.  Write Him and vent the things on your heart and ask Him to help you figure out what you can do about your situation.  Realize that to fix your situation you might need to just give it to Him.